I am flawed. I am 52 years old now and I have thought about this post for a long time and considering what I do for a living I feel like it makes sense to write this. As most of you know I was obese for a great part of my life. Mostly as a kid and young adult and a few times as a not so young adult. My stupid scale still tells me that I am obese. We parted ways! I have worked hard on myself for probably two decades now to get in shape, get in better shape and stay in shape, and I still think I could be better. I am still flawed! I do it because I want to live a long time and not be burdened by bags of medication to control HBP or diabetes. I do it because it makes me feel accomplished when I finish a two-hour long workout. At my lowest weight I had lost a total of 106 pounds and hover just under that now. I am strong as fuck and I can do cardio for days. However, when I look in the mirror I still see “fat boy” Todd!! That’s what I was called pretty much from the day I started school until I graduated. I don’t know why I do this but for the life of me I can’t shake it. I train people for a living! I set up meal plans for weight loss clients and I don’t like the way I look in the mirror. It makes me feel like I am being fraudulent at times. At 52 years old I have lost weight and gained weight and lost more weight. I am sure this creates issues with skin elasticity, therefore the reason I still see flabby ass flab around my belly. As much as I do and can do, I swear it drives me fucking crazy. I subconsciously compare myself to other people I see working out that do about half as much as I do and look like they are in such better shape that I am.
There is a thing called BDD or Body Dysmorphic Disorder that I can relate too. However, I don’t spend hours looking at myself in the mirror and obsessing over myself or any of that other shit they talk about. But every time I walk by a mirror at the gym, yep you got it, I say to myself “you need to lose weight, you fat motherfucker!!”. Most of you that I work with have known me for a long time and I will bet money that you have never seen me with my shirt off! If you have the number of times is less than half the fingers on one hand. I don’t put myself in places where I may have to take my shirt off in front of others. This has been a thing for me since childhood. I remember as a kid I never took my shirt off when I went swimming. I never played sports like basketball where I may end up on the skins team. Fuck that, and here I am today doing the same thing! My insecurities are the same as your insecurities. I body shame myself the same way you body shame yourself.
I hear shit like “man I wish I could run like you” or “damn dude, you been at this for how long?”. I don’t think very highly of myself. I think I am just an average guy and an average athlete. I have no ego; I don’t think I am better than anyone. However, I am very confident in my abilities. I don’t know how I do it other than the fact that I know I am not going to die and refuse to quit until I have finished what I start. Recently completing a 67 day training task that I set for myself. This was just for me to see what I can do and for how long. I did some pretty crazy hard workouts over the span just ask Buddy! The worst of all of them was the mile of burpees. It took just over 1.5 hours to cover one mile doing a burpee with a long jump, I lost count due to delirium at about 850 burpees. This I felt was the closest to death I have ever been. Over the 67 days I ran a total of 450 + miles. I tell you all this because a lot of you think very highly of me and I appreciate that. I love doing what I do, and I love that at 52 I am still able to do what I do everyday with a group of people that I love to work with. I tell you all this because none of us are perfect, we are all flawed, but we can work every day to be the best version of ourselves we can be and look as good and feel as good as our body will allow us too. I will never be the “ripped” celebrity trainer like whatever their names are, but I can promise you this, I will always bring to the table everything I can offer and the best I have to offer every single time. I celebrate your successes as I do my own.